Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.