Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
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Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.