Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

you can only post this today

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken