Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
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doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I have obtained a hat
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”