Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.