*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
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Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
PLOT TWIST:
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.