Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

Family Celebrity

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