Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

ok this is my dumbest yet

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip