Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
respect
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…