Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
🔥🔥
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia