Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
this is the greatest thing ever
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.