Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
two people or more is called a problem
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”