Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.