Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7