Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

Thank you corporation very cool

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.