Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

😭😭

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.