Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!