@ClichedOut

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

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@bobvulfov

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

@megfraser

Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.

@TweetPotato314

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

@Perilandra

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

@o__0Dev

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

@radtoria

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

@BigHeb7

Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.

@ArfMeasures

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

@MrBikferd

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.