[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
ME: into a semi truck
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Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die
*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.