HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
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These aliens are taking forever.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
so i’m at the stock market right
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.