5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
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People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!