Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

thinking about this

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

Baller is short for ballerina

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring