Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

murder on the timeline

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

I have so many questions.

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.