Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
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guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Yes
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids