Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.