Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.