Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Very good! 👍😂

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.