Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Still cracks me up

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

Guilty! 🤪

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah