Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

choose your fighter

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon