Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

philosophical skeletons be like

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.