Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

You are what you delete.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

Breakfast for Stoners:

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting