Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Sharon I have some bad news

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

A friend helps you before you need it

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

We’ve all been there…

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up