Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

m’lady

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

lol

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

The Eggorcist

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*