Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

😆

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:

“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.