Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is