Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

🤣

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.