Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

Me trying to “trust the process”

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?