Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM