Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
selena gomez
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
smh
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.