Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’ve spotted six Pok茅mon today but I don’t have the Pok茅mon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You鈥檙e a dude in a dress, I鈥檓 Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn鈥檛 get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it鈥檚 over I won.
You did kill my parents, it鈥檚 true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can鈥檛 have both.
I鈥檒l never just put the seat down; the lid鈥檚 going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
馃槶馃槶馃槶
5yo: when I grow up I鈥檓 gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it鈥檒l be me
5yo: eh, probably not
oh you鈥檙e an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I don鈥檛 know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
What’s a Messi?
I鈥檓 never leaving this app.
(during sex)
Don鈥檛 move! Don鈥檛 move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups