Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

🤝

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan