Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

We need more people like this.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.