HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
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My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse