Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz