Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”