Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

I told my vodka about you.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Check your privilege

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.