Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
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The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
🙂🙃🥹
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad