Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
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Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My therapist after every session
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
At least try to make it slightly believable
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
