I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
yeah not falling for this one
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I hate when that happens.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*