Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up