Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Tapped in
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀