Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
You Might Also Like
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.