Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
You Might Also Like
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.