Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
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(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Bruh
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
