Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
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When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
scrabbled eggs
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
not for long
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.