her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
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God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.