her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The internet is full of many things
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
A man of commitment.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.