Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.