HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
You Might Also Like
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
The “baby” on the left….
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.