Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.