Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
