Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

you have three unread messages

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.