Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

Hamburger Hinderer.

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

Cause of death: Zumba

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.