Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
You Might Also Like
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Social Media and Real life
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.