[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
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America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Oh the world we live in…
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
We have a winner.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Rambo Rambow
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.