wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
You Might Also Like
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
i spent way too long on this
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to