Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
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Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Simple
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
She: I like Cats
He:
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Midwest trash talk
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Not messing around
