Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman