Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
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Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.