her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
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With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.