her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
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I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.