her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
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The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I ain’t wearing no wire
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this