her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
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Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?