Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
You Might Also Like
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there