Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.