Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
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Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Body by cheese-puffs.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.