Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

peak technology

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ