Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit