Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
out-housing market appears to be strong
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?