Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit