Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My god she’s good.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅